I know it has been awhile since I posted and for that I am sorry. I have had the intention of posting many times but wasn’t quite sure what to say. I know that right now the most important thing is to tell survivors of affairs that there is hope. An affair is not the end of a marriage. It can be. But the decision to stay and work through everything can yield a greater love than you have ever known. There is no one that can tell you how to feel or what to do after an affair. That is your decision and yours alone. It is fantastic to have support and advice but at the end of the day, you have to write a check that no one else can cash.

With that being said, I feel as though C and I are moving on and forward. Forward is more important than anything. Forward implies a goal. The goal for us is to be happy. Sure there are things in our marriage that we certainly cannot control. The things we can control is the love we choose to give each other. I will tell you when I knew in my heart that everything would be okay. A few weeks, ago we stayed up until 4 o’clock in the morning. We weren’t talking or having sex. We were watching funny YouTube videos! Now you are probably wondering what it was about this activity that made me think everything was going to be fine. What it was, was something so simple. Something so incredibly beautiful that it was one of the best nights that we have had in a long time.

The magical moment between me and the wife…….she laughed and she smiled and she laughed and smiled more! That in turn caused me to laugh and smile and laugh and smile some more. It was good to see C laugh and smile. It was something I had missed because she had not laughed like that in a long time….at anything. It was good to see that person that I had fallen in love with. She was so lively. Words cannot do it justice but for the first time in four years, C was back.

We haven’t fought or argued since that night. We’ve been more loving, more undertsanding. This to me was the light at the end of the tunnel. It isn’t perfect, isn’t ever going to be. But this small thing somehow made me feel as though everything was going to be alright.

I was looking for this moment. I had no idea what this moment was going to be or if I would recognize it. It wasn’t mind blowing or a burning bush. It was something so simple that meant so much. Your moment will be there, keep your eyes open. More importantly, know that if you want a happy ending, I can’t guarantee anything. But if you want a chance at a happy beginning, you have to allow it and look for small blessings in the strangest places.

This post was not award worthy or clever writing. It is what I have always set out to do which is be some help to myself or someone. I hope that if it makes one person stop and notice the little things that they used to love about their partner, then that is good enough for me.

Wow, what a difference that just a few weeks makes! C and I were really starting to move forward. My blogs were making feel better even though seeing the words made me not only relive the events all over again, but begin to have more questions. I had suppressed these questions because I simply do not want to continue to rehash everything. If it is over and in the past and will never happen again, I have to let it go.

On Wednesday morning, I came home to start my two days off. It is my long week at work so my days off will fly by even faster. I wasn’t in a good mood for whatever reason when I walked through the door but seeing the house in such a disarray after spending my weekend off cleaning just totally set me off. I didn’t say anything at first and to be honest I do not even know what really set me off. C made a comment and I made a comment and it was on. Next thing I know, I was doing what I had been trying so hard to avoid; I brought up the affair.

I began asking the questions that I had either thought of on my own or by reading some poor soul’s blog who has found themselves in the same waters as me. Her usual response was that I was refusing to let us be happy by drudging up the past when there was nothing more to hear. My son was sick and home from school and despite the fact I had been up all night, I had some errands to run thus putting a premature end to the argument. I came home and went to the back room and fell asleep watching T.V. but not before sending her a text even though she was just in the living room telling her I was sorry for my part in the fight. She replied me too.

I awoke to find her standing over me telling me she was leaving for her doctor appointment. I wanted to awake to her kissing or holding me or initiating wild make-up sex. When she returned from her appointment, she barely had enough time to get ready to go to work so I was upset for two reasons: (1) my first of two days off was shot in a week where I am either gone or sleeping a lot thus one day I didn’t get to spend time with her and (2) the argument wasn’t settled, we didn’t talk.

When she got off of work at midnight, I was in the backroom watching T.V. again. She changed into her P.J.s and kind of just messed around the house a little. I was curious as to whether she would just go into our bedroom or make her way back to me. Rather than give her the opportunity, I asked her to come talk to me.

In my first post, I mentioned that these blogs were for me. My therapy, my feelings. I had not intended to share them with her. I grabbed the laptop and I read several blogs from other writers that accurately described some of what I felt regarding her affair and why I had such a hard time moving on. She listened quietly but intently and didn’t say a word. And then I said, “these next few may sound more familiar”. I began reading my first blog. She listened again quietly and intently and soaked in the all my words, feelings, and emotions. Only once did she actually speak up and get mad that I had referred to part of her affair as emotional. She said that she never had any feelings or emotions for him. Otherwise she was completely silent.

Her face spoke volumes. I could see tears begin to well up in her eyes. Hell, I was starting to tear up reading the words that described the horrible events all over to the person I loved that had hurt me more than anyone. It was a powerful moment in our relationship. These were never meant for her.

At the end of my last blog, there was silence. When she did finally speak, the first thing was that she was upset that I had put this on the internet. I informed her that it was all anonymous; that the name of the blog was an inside joke and that I did not use my real name. After her initial comment which I believe had to be her perceived embarrassment to being exposed as a cheater thinking someone had magically decrypted our identities. I quelled her fears and then the conversation began; the conversation about the pain I had been living with for 14 months. The pain that she caused. The pain that seemingly does not get better because as I had come to figure out, the secret to me not being able to move forward, the one thing that she had not yet to convince me of was…..am I who she wants?

It wasn’t about details of the cheating or knowing that she lied or that she had sex with someone. It was wanting her to make me absolute certain that I was not her second choice. I wanted to know to know that had I not uncovered the affair, that said affair would have ended on it’s own. That had I not found her out, that there was not some master plan to leave their spouses and start a new non-secret life together. I wanted…no I needed to know that I was her first choice, that I was the love of her life and that there was absolutely no doubt in her mind or heart that she was with the person she wanted to be with. I have actually asked this question a hundred times and have always received the same answer but I needed her to show me.

She did her best to reassure me with words and I realize that the actions I seek from her will take weeks and months and maybe years. This was a start, a very good start. We went to bed and didn’t have great make-up sex but rather had great make-up cuddling. We spent what seemed like hours just touching each other and this carried into the morning and also into the day. See sometimes sex is just sex. But when there is true emotion behind being able to touch each other in such a loving way that is not sexual but makes you feel so secure in your love, that you are reminded of why you fell in love with that person all over again.

I am not recovered. She is not recovered. We are recovering together. I can’t keep living in the past and I can’t keep forcing her to live there either. I have to look forward. I am trying. It is hard. I am human. I am filled with feelings good or bad. I just need to sort those feelings out and learn to deal with them better. I heard a saying the other day and I don’t remember it word for word so I’ll do my best. Loving someone means giving them everything you have and trusting them not to destroy it. So, knowing that, knowing the awesome power you hold over you partner, would you want to destroy them?

Why do affairs happen? Forget all the justifications for affairs. What I am talking about is why do affairs seem so exciting and make a person forget all about what they are risking. The husband or wife, the kids, the house, sometimes their jobs and families. What would cause a person to go completely numb to the feelings of those they made commitments to and to lose all ability of cognitive function and reasoning. 

Marriages/relationships are messy. They are a lot of work. It is a full-time job with no days off or vacations. When you are married to someone, you see them at their very worst. It’s simple, an affair is like when you first start dating someone except with baggage. Remember how great it was to see that person for a couple of hours and then go home. When you are married you are around that person 24/7. 

What the affair partner doesn’t see that keeps the passion burning is this: 

You don’t see that person wearing PJs all day with the hair messed up. They don’t see that person’s daily mood swings. See them sick and puking. See them sleeping and snoring with bad breath. See them or smell them farting and pooping. Sorry girls but you do fart and your shit does stink. I’m pretty sure my wife and daughter put me to shame. But I digress.

More importantly, just like any new relationships, in an affair the mistakes have not been made. I liken any relationship to a mountain. At first it is solid. Then A does something to B and a fight happens. B sees A a little differently. This cycle continues on both ends and as each of these incidents of A seeing B and B seeing A differently happens, a little piece of the mountain gets chipped away. Eventually and I’m hoping that things just have to be very bad for this to happen, you don’t see any remnants of the person you started dating. The mountain is gone and thus so is the relationship.

Here is the strange thing. Look at the person that your partner had an affair with. Do they remind you of anyone. Nine times out of ten, the person your partner has chosen to cheat you with is, wait for it, wait for it……you at the beginning of your relationship. Yup, strange but true! They don’t want someone else; they want to put all the chips on the mountain and make it whole again. They want to erase all the mistakes. They want you to do whatever it is you did at the beginning of the relationship to make them fall in love with you in the first place.

Here’s the thing. You cannot no matter how hard you try, erase all of the bad shit you have done to each other. What you can do is communicate, be honest, and love the person you have. Move forward and instead of dwelling on the bad, fondly remember the good. Seriously, there has to be more good than bad or you couldn’t have got to this point.

I guess all my rambling leads me back to this. The grass is not greener on the other side. In fact it is brown, dead brown. The grass you have on this side is green, it’s just covered with leaves. Work with your partner to remove those leaves and rediscover each other. If you truly are in love with that person, you will see them for who they are and not what they have done. After all, isn’t that what true love is?

Thoughts?

Okay….not really. But after reading some of the blogs tonight and seeing some from the people that were dumped by the married people they were having affairs with, I felt compelled to write a letter for the person that my wife cheated on me with to my wife. I have blogged about and even told her that this would be his true feelings if they were to ever speak again. Some of it she knows and some of she doesn’t. But I have a pretty good idea based on his actions and his behavior that this is what he would say if he were a truly honest person:

Dear C,

I am sorry that we have had no contact since your husband found out about us. At first, I was scared because I was afraid he would tell my wife and that I would be kicked out of my home having to move into some shitty apartment that I could barely afford because she took half of my salary a month in child support and alimony. Not too mention everything that I would have to buy to start over. And then having no extra income to go out and fuck all of the women that I do on the side because I am simply not happy at home but am not able to man up and politely and mercifully tell her the truth and ask for a divorce. I mean I would also miss the kids that I did not give one thought to losing or having them lose respect or love for me by fucking around with you also placing your family in jeapardy.

I am sorry that you took the hit of the affair all on your own but I feel that I am too important to myself to risk losing what I have to come to your aid. I mean, I don’t love you, never did. I hope you didn’t take anything that I said to get you into bed to satisfy me because my wife wasn’t,seriously. You should know how guys are. That is completely your fault if you ever developed feelings for me because for me it was just sex. Don’t get me wrong, it was great sex, but just not good enough to make me go through all I described above.

I thought a couple of times about calling you to make sure you were okay or more to the truth making sure that you don’t start realizing that all the things that I am telling you are true and become pissed off at me and think that I am anything less than great and make you want some type of revenge. God forbid that you tell my wife. I have gotten away with so many different women that I sure as hell don’t want you to spoil it.

Seriously though, if you ever thought I had any type of feelings for you, I would hope that my post-affair behavior has put those all to rest. Could you seriously love or even like a guy that left you twisting in the wind after something we were both responsible for. I mean if I really did have any type of feelings for you other than just a piece of ass, would anything have kept me from you. I guess I would have felt bad had your husband left you for fear that you would have showed up at my door demanding more from our secret relationship. You know I would never leave my life for you. I am too selfish. You understand, you are selfish as well.

In closing, if you ever find yourself wanting to fuck over your husband again and have a secret relationship with no future in it, please call me. You should know I have no problem screwing over my wife for a piece of ass and as such am always looking for one. This is provided that I have not already found another girl on the side. Your window is closing because I am just simply too busy. I can only handle a wife, kids, job, and one mistress at a time. Just please don’t ever tell my wife, I don’t love her, I just don’t want to lose my comfortable life.

I realize that this may be shallow but the truth is I am a coward. I couldn’t even reply to the message your husband sent me telling me to stay away from you. I suppose if I cared about you or was a real man, I would have at least replied back that I take the blame for the whole thing. But I really just didn’t want any drama and if I ignored it, it was almost like it never happened. Plus as I have stated and made abundantly clear with my actions, I don’t want to risk losing my comfortable life or at least not for you. See, no offense to you, but you are just not good enough to me to leave my wife and my life for. I am glad that your husband thinks you are special enough to abandon all other women for but I just have simply not found that girl yet. You are good enough for me to secretly screw around with if that makes you feel any better. That should be a confidence booster.

Sincerely,

A

I know that this may be to the extreme but in honesty, after everything I have read and seen and done, this is the cold, harsh truth. If you are a man or woman in affair with a married person, there is a 90% chance, this is how your lover really feels. If they didn’t, if they really loved you and wanted to be with you, there would be no excuses as to just not say, I don;t care what the cost is, I want to be with you!

Telling my story has brought me peace. Or at least as close to peace as I think that I will be with my wife’s affair. I would liken it to 9/11. We as Americans were going along in life so secure in our freedom and thoughts of this can’t happen to us, that we became complacent. We took for granted the freedom that we have been given from the blood of those that fought terrible wars to provide us with the lives we live. I too had become somewhat complacent in my marriage with C. Now I don’t want anyone to think that I am making light of  the tragedy of 9/11 by comparing it to an affair but for me, my whole world changed the day I found out.

Ironically as I mentioned before the last 2 1/2 weeks have been great. C seems to be a little more of old-self each day. She is making an effort to do a lot of the things that she has failed to do in the last 4 years. I know that I will never fully get that person back. I am a realist. I accept that this may be temporary and she will more than likely revert back to old ways. Unlike the past though, I am taking it all in for all it’s worth. I am not questioning it or fearing it will end.

Love and marriage are hard. There are the internal conflicts within your relationship and the external conflicts pile on with no remorse almost simultaneously. Marriage is the underdog. I read a lot of “How to Have a Strong Marriage” and “How to Make Him/Her Happy” stories so I will tell you what I do for my wife to show and to prove how much I love her:

1. I tell her almost daily that she is beautiful and sexy. She is, why not tell her. It’s not forced or planned and may come at strange times like when she is sitting in her pjs eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I tell her she is more beautiful now than the day I met her and gets sexier by the day. Of course I get the, “yeah right” and other comments pointing out what she considers to be flaws, but i still tell her. I need to tell her even if she only smiles inside.

2. Tell and show you find each other attractive. I know that I am certainly not at my start of relationship fighting weight. I have made comments on my own that I need to work out or I’m getting fat. (I’m probably 25 lbs. heavier than when we first met) She makes comments about herself. I make it a point to look at her anytime she walks in the room, be it fully clothed or completely butt ass neked! So much so that if I don’t look, she notices. You ever watch the movies where there is the hot mid 40’s wife and the husband that works too much and doesn’t pay attention to her. It always seems to be that he is in bed reading as she is sitting in front of the mirror in some sexy outfit putting on lotion and he is not even looking at her. Next thing you know, she is banging the tennis instructor or the pool boy. Yeah that really happens in life. Pay attention to your mate or someone else will. And ladies, it goes both ways. My wife will usually smack me on the ass or something when we are cooking dinner or her way of telling me I look nice is asking me, “Who are you all dressed up for?”. Tonight before work, she actually came into the bathroom twice as I was showering opening the door and talking to me both times about absolutely nothing. and both times I caught her eyes moving down to my penis. I even made a comment to her after I got out and she just smiled affirming what I already knew. It made me feel good, it made me feel great. Do it for each other!

3. Oral sex cannot stop after the vows. You know there is the old joke about why the bride is smiling as she walks down the aisle. It goes both ways. I am going to use a basketball analogy; don’t forget what brung you to the dance! Guys stop eating pussy. Girls stop sucking cock. I think we get lazy and complacent and think we don’t have to do all the things that we did almost daily when we first got together. I’ve heard men say that they can’t do it because it hurts their necks or women say they are too tired. Seriously you have got to do the things you did to land that person in the first place. I’ll be honest with you. I love to perform oral sex on my wife. I don’t do it nearly as much as I should. I think I have made an effort to do it more. As far as my wife goes, I think I make her feel as though I don’t enjoy her giving me head because I usually after 5 or 10 minutes in want to have sex. For her she thinks that I am not enjoying it and can’t get off. For me I feel selfish if she is not getting off. To be honest, you have to have a few times every now and then where one person gets pleasured and then that is it. It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay ladies to sit back and have your man go down on you and pop off a couple orgasms and then lie back and go to sleep. Same for men just as long as it is not a regular thing. I love doing that for my wife.

4. Balance the sex life. It doesn’t have to be two or three times a day, 30 minutes of foreplay, dressed in lingerie, kama sutra type sex. What it needs to be is what you as a couple decide that you want and what you need. If it’s twice a week with one being just a “hey, let’s both get off and go to bed” to the all-out deal. Don’t get me wrong, I would have sex with my wife three times a day if I could but we simply are not able to do that. Between jobs and kids and everything else we deal with, there just isn’t time or sometimes the energy. But I talked with her. She knows what I want, I know what she wants. We’ll meet in the middle and do our best to make sure each other is happy in that department.

5. This one is mostly for the men. Don’t try and fix everything. I will admit until about a month ago that every time my wife came to me about a problem or bitched about work, I told her what I think she should do to solve it. And then one day it hit me. She doesn’t always want my opinion, she doesn’t always want me to fix it or come up with a solution; she wants me to listen. She wants to vent and say what she can’t say to anyone else without having to worry about it coming back to bite her in the ass. So, I listen to her and if she asks what I think or what she should do, I will give her my opinion. Other than that, I shut the hell up.

6. Know your partner. My wife loves to crawl into her “nook” when we get in bed. Her nook is under my left arm with her head on my chest. Now there are two things that she loves when she is in her nook. She likes to have her arm lightly caressed and/or she likes her booty rubbed. Now this is a win-win for me because she has the most incredible ass I have ever seen and I am a butt guy so me rubbing her booty is just as equal a treat for me as it is her. It’s about knowing her and what makes her happy and that is something that is so simple. Hell, I’ll still be rubbing her booty or her arm two hours after she has fallen asleep. It is almost as natural as breathing for me. Just know where to touch him or her that is not only a sexual thing but just a thing that is about making them happy.

7. Let him/her know you have their backs. My kids will do what kids do and get mouthy and scream and yell and say “no” like it is the only word that they know. When they do these things to my wife, look out, she doesn’t have to say anything to them because I am usually right there telling them to apologize and to respect their mother. She doesn’t say so, but I think she likes that I show that I expect our kids or anyone else for that matter to treat her with respect. She did the same for me just last night. She worked all weekend and I was off so I had my two kids, and on Friday my son had a friend spend the night and on Saturday, my daughter had her friend spend the night. I think I would have rather worked! My kids are lazy and after doing everything for them and their friends all weekend, I just wanted to relax Sunday night. Well my wife got home and I made dinner. After dinner, I wanted to just sit on the couch and watch T.V. with my wife. I knew she was tired so I tried taking care of everything. After the second time that a child had spilled a drink all over the coffee table and on the floor, my wife read them the riot act. And then she said, “I am tired of all your father does for you guys and then he can’t even sit down and relax.” It really did make me feel good to know that my wife recognized that I am a good father and that even on my weekends off, that I am not really off. Small thing seemed so big to me.

8. There is no such thing as your responsibility, it’s our responsibility. Now I work 12 hour shifts so every other week is my long week where I will work 60 hours in one week and on my short week I work 24 hours. My wife assumes that on my long week, that I should not have to do any work around the house. She would make a comment such as I’ll do the dishes in the morning as I would start to do them. I would say, why should you have to them, and she would say because you are on your long week. So what! Just because I work 36 more hours this week than in my short week doesn’t mean my responsibilities at home cease. The bigger point is that it’s not just her job anyway. Sorry, I don’t want a relationship where the woman stays home and cleans all day and has my supper waiting for me on the table when I get home. Now if that is what made her happy, then by all means, but that is not who my wife is. She does her share and on the weeks where she doesn’t feel like it, I will do it. It is our responsibility together.

To be continued……

I will never forget the silence after I told her the three text messages that I had found and begged her not to make me go through all the rest of the messages and read all of the disgusting details that were already making my stomach turn. Little did she know that those three messages were the only ones I was able to find and I am sure she knew that no matter what she told me, I was going to read them anyway if they had been recovered. But after my question, the silence seemed like forever even though it was probably only 3 or 4 seconds. The question was, “Did you fuck him?”. The answer was yes. My heart sunk; I became instantly sick. For whatever reason, I felt the need to punish myself and ask more questions. She became defensive immediately and her defense was being a smart ass which only made things worse. I asked how many times and the answer was 70. I asked for how long and she said 6 years. I honestly cannot even tell you the content of the flurry of questions that I asked after that. The problem was she told so many stories that she couldn’t keep track of what was the truth.

I still had three hours of work left and could do nothing but stew about it. I called my best friend but he didn’t answer. I paced furiously back and forth waiting for work to end. I was trapped after hearing news that felt like someone had killed my entire family. I was pissed, hurt, devastated, confused, embarrased, and disgusted.

When I got home, I walked in and grabbed a couple of things. I could barely look at her but could tell she had been crying and had a scared look on her face. Now I have never laid a hand on her the entire time we have been together so I don’t believe that she feared for safety but was more worried about if I was leaving her or what I was going to do to the other guy.

I left and went to the bar about 4 blocks from my house. She texted me almost the entire time I was there. Begging me to come home and talk. Begging me not leave her. I just kept asking questions as I drowned myself in Tequila. By the way, Tequila makes me very mean and want to fight. I started to walk home about 2:30 in the morning and was met by the headlights of her car coming my way. She asked me to get in the car which I refused. We proceeded to get into an argument on the sidewalk in front of our house. I am surprised the cops didn’t get called. Now when I say Tequila makes me mean, I still usually have some idea of what the hell is going on. And despite the amount I had to drink, I am proud that I looked at this woman I had been with for 12 years, and is the mother of my two children, and I didn’t call her names. And I hope that this serves as a lesson to all the men reading this; unless she is going out and gang-banging guys every night or having sex for money on a regular basis, she is not a slut or a whore. One, hell even two affairs does not make her a whore. It makes her human. She is still your wife, she is still a mother, she is still someone’s daughter or baby girl. In my case she was still my best friend.

So after our fight outside, we moved to the inside where I became emotional and then sick. I went to our back room and fell onto the couch. She took care of me as threw up. She held the bucket and got me a cold wash cloth. After I was done purging the excess alcohol from system, she asked me to come to bed with her. I did but I would sleep on my side, as far away from her as I could be.

The next two days was filled with more conversations and yet none at all. I asked questions over and over and yet still never got the answers I wanted. So here is her story: she slept with him one time, in 2006, she didn’t enjoy it, she was drunk, and that is the only reason she did it. Yeah I know I’m calling bullshit on it too. She also says that she never even kissed him and he only lasted three minutes. She said they used a condom and for her and my sakes I hope she did. One thing that I have not mentioned is that the other guy is married and she and I know of at least one other girl he was cheating on his wife with and I know of yet another. The guy will fuck anything that moves so I certainly hope my wife didn’t feel special.

So the problems I have with her story are as follows. First of all she says it was sometime in March 2006. Well this would have been 3 months after we had our second child and 1 month before we were to get married. Now I think she picked this time because she didn’t want to admit she had violated our marriage vows. You know and I have an issue with this to this day because she said for a split second she wasn’t sure she wanted to get married. She says that the reason was that she didn’t want things to change for the worse. I asked her if it was at her Bachelorette party to which has flatly denied. While I don’really know what makes a difference, she won’t admit it. Now this may have been the first time but i don’t believe it was the only. I can think of at least one time over a year later when she didn’t come home from the bar until 1 1/2 hours after it was closed and wouldn’t answer her phone. Now we are talking about a girl who doesn’t go to the bathroom without her cellphone. I honestly believe that this was at least the second time.

I know that I have rambled greatly during this post but there is just so much detail and so many thoughts that I am trying to get in here so that there is a full picture. See I had mentioned that I had cheated at the beginning of our relationship but this was different. There were two children involved. There were marriage vows involved. There was a family that could have been broken into pieces. I came from a broken home. I didn’t want that for my children. I wouldn’t risk losing her or doing that to my children. She did for a cock, and according to her and at least one other person I talked to, a small one.

So anyway, two days had went by. I had mostly laid around and stared at the ceiling. I remember thinking that she should have been in there begging and pleading with me to not break up our marriage, to not leave her. But she wasn’t. And then finally she came into the bedroom and laid down beside me. She didn’t say a word and neither did I. After about 10 minutes of just laying there in silence, I reached for her. And then Instantly, our clothes were off and we were having some of the most amazing and mind-blowing sex. When were finished, we had a very open and for the most part honest conversation. I didn’t feel any better and or believe that she had told me the whole truth, but i told her I forgave her. I told her we couldn’t move forward together or even apart unless I forgave her. After all, we still had children together, and despite hurting each other, we are best friends.

As far as the other guy goes, it took me a little while to figure out what to do. I thought of screwing his wife as revenge to both my wife and to him. But honestly revenge would have solved nothing. Also, his wife is not attractive and I am not sure he would have cared since he is out sticking everything else. I mean yeah i did drive up to his house one night to confront him, but I thought about his kids. I also thought about just calling his wife. I decided against that because I didn’t feel it was my place to tell her. She will find out someday. I thought about telling his boss because he did a lot of the texting while at work and on a work-issued phone. Also, the one time the allegedly slept together was while he was working. I thought about finding him and kicking the shit out of him. In the end, I settled for a warning to stay the fuck away from my wife to which I never received a response. See I thought he and I were friends. I guess that’s what makes me better than him. C actually told me she would call his wife and tell her. I told her she doesn’t get to do that, she doesn’t get to crush the other woman and pretend to be a good person. Maybe I handled none of that right, but that is how it was done.

Ironically in a city of only 15,000, I am yet to see him in the 13 months that have followed me finding out. She has only seen him once which she volunteered on her own because he came into her work. She says she didn’t talk to him and he didn’t try to talk to her. She says that she hasn’t spoken to him since before I found the deleted text messages. If that’s true, I hope that she takes that into account. If I were having an affair with a married woman and knew the husband found out, which she had to have told him, because the texts stopped afterwards, I don’t care what kind of threats the husband made, if I truly cared about the girl, I would have called or done something to make sure she was okay. So that to me proves me theory that she was just a piece of ass to him. He will avoid me and not because he is afraid of me but because he has no morals and a lack of quality traits and avoiding me is the easiest way to continue living his life not being reminded that he is a piece of shit. He didn’t care about her, didn’t care about her two children, his wife or his children, and what his actions could have resulted in. What kind of person do you think that makes him. I am sure he worried and cared about getting caught. I am sure he worried about his wife leaving him and losing his house and half his paycheck to child support and alimony. But he didn’t care about C. That bothers me. It sounds weird, but he didn’t care about someone that I love and care about so much. He just used her and she let him. Now I am not letting C be the victim here. the thing is, he got off scott-free. Me and C suffered, mostly me. His wife and kids are unknowing victims.

So, time does heal all things, slowly but surely. One of my favorite songs has a line it, “Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel”. My scars run wide and deep. And that is what I do on a daily basis, is hide the pain because it still very much there and real.

The physical act of her having sex really isn’t the thing that bothers me most. Yes that hurts, someone touched my wife in places that are only meant for me. But for me was the fact that she texted him for over a year, years after she supposedly had only had sex with him once really hurt. What bothered me more than anything was wondering if she had/s feelings for him. I think if you ask anyone that has been cheated on, they will tell you that emotional affairs are far more painful than physical ones. I can tell you in all honesty that if she came home and said that she had sex with a total stranger that yes it would hurt, but not nearly as much as knowing she might have had feelings for someone. I cannot compete with someone she has feelings for because if she has feelings for him then that means she is no longer in love with me. I believe that it is impossible to be in love with two people at once. Sure you can love two people at once but being in love with a person requires a special type of feeling and bond. She said that she only texted with him because they were good friends. She said that he had try to rekindle whatever but she had shot it down saying that she was happy with me and that what had happened was a mistake. She said that he was a connection to a life she missed very much (referring to her old work and old friends) and that he was someone to talk to. She was lonely and she had been through a lot. To tell you the truth, there is a small part of me that can understand some of this after what she went through. Trust me there is no excuse or good enough reason just as there was none for mine. I guess understanding is the wrong word, it would have made sense.

A lot of the problems that I am having moving on stems from the way she has acted since the affair was discovered. It was business as usual and even then sometimes it was less than business as usual. Two years ago she had a hysterectomy at 30 years of age. It was another huge blow to her as she reached the realization that she would no longer be able to have any more children. It snapped her into a depression. It has caused many a problem between us because she simply does not have a sex drive. Some are probably reading this saying that I should be happy she doesn’t sex drive because she is less likely to ever cheat.    Of course I think that but women cheat for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Some cheat because of low self esteem and that rush of a new person is an instant bump to their ego. There are many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the physical act.

But the low sex drive has caused problems for us. For me, I view my wife wanting sex with me as her way of showing she wants me, that she is still attracted to me, that she still wants to be with me. It’s not about getting off, it’s about the intimacy, the orgasm is just a bonus. Don;t get me wrong, she enjoys it when we do have it and does have orgasms. It’s just that she doesn’t have the physical feelings or desire to be the one to initiate it. That’s hard for me and especially in the post-affair marriage. I need to feel wanted now more than ever.

Over the last year, I have given her many chances to walk away from the marriage free and clear. I have encouraged her to be with whomever she needs to be with to be happy. I told her I would always be her best friend, always be there for her. I want her to be happy. If you truly love someone, you will do whatever it takes despite your own feelings to make that person happy. It would kill me to let her walk away but not as much as it would for her to be where she doesn’t want to be and eventually cheat again. I love her too much.

The trust has not returned fully yet. I will occasionally check her cell phone, Facebook, and have questions that run through my head from time to time. It gets better with time. Will it ever go completely away, I’m not sure. She has chosen me and likewise I have chosen her. This last week and a half has been particularly good. I have seen the old C back. She has slowly started to emerge from the dark cloud that she has been under for the last 3 1/2 years. She’s been more loving, more affectionate, and doing the things that I have missed and need to help me heal from the pain she caused me. As sad as it is, it might even be better because there is an honesty that exists now on both our parts that was never there before.

There are people that say that an affair can make a marriage stronger. Sure it can, but it can also rip two people apart that made a vow to spend the rest of their lives together. I don’t know what the future holds for me and C. I’m just taking it one day at a time. I can tell you that as a result of everything, I have become a better husband. I tell my wife almost everyday that she is beautiful, sexy, gorgeous. I tell her constantly how much I love her and I miss her when we were apart. I am a better listener and when she has a problem instead of always trying to fix it or tell her what to do, I just listen, sometimes that’s always she wants is just to vent. I let her know every second of the day, in some small way, that I love her. I don’t blame myself for the affair, but I do know there were things that I did not do to help make her not want to go anywhere else. It’s still a work in progress. Marriage is. There is no point when you love someone that you should feel comfortable enough to become complacent.

For those of you that have been in the same place where I have been and still am, there is no answer that anyone else can give you as to whether or not you should stay in your relationship if you have been cheated on. That is for you to decide and not for anyone else to judge you for. The one thing that you need to know for sure is are you in love with that person and are they in love with you. If you know that for sure, your answer is simple, it’s just a matter of getting there.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I sensed a divide beginning between myself and C. It was mostly little things that i noticed such as that she was less likely to volunteer that she missed me or just little things like that. It was also around this time that I had encouraged her to start having a life and going out with friends more. C and I did seem happy for the most part. We had started to have more financial stability, we were both happy in our jobs, and we moved into a nice house out in the country. Things on the surface seemed very good. But as things often do in a hurry they can take a turn for the worse. 

My father-in-law fell ill in February of 2009. At the time, I am not sure anyone grasped how serious the situation was because it had happened very quickly. Now C was very much a Daddy’s girl and her father was a great man. He had served his country in Vietnam and seen things most of us could not imagine and had come home very troubled. He became an alcoholic and then a recovering alcoholic and had spent the last 10 + years trying to make up for what he had put his family through. To C, he didn’t have to make up for anything. Shortly after High School C and her Mother began to have a very strained relationship in large part due to her Mother’s narcissistic behavior. More on that later. When C’s dad became ill and then ultimately passed away suddenly, I noticed the largest change in C in our entire relationship. She became closed off, emotionally distant and absent. I understood. I too had lost my father 5 years earlier when he was way to young. I did my best to allow C to have her time to grieve but I will refer to this period as her checking out of the marriage. Or at least the beginning.

Then two weeks later, through no fault of her own, she lost her job. And not just a job but something that she had been doing since she graduated high school. Something that she loved and had a passion for. The problem for C like so many others is they identify themselves by what they do and not by who they are. It’s understandable when you pour so much of yourself into something like that. So now C has lost two of the most important things in her life within 1 month. She will probably never admit it but she was depressed. We had decided that she should take some time off before trying to find a job and just concentrate on healing from all of the devastation that had occurred. The problem was she could not concentrate on that because she became a mother again but this time to her 50 + year old mother. She immediately assumed the role vacated by her father and had to take care of her mother. Now her mother is not bed-ridden or does not have any type of mortal illness. Her mother just did not know how to be an adult. She did not know how to write a check. She hadn’t put gas in her own vehicle in I don’t know how long. But again, we will explore the mother dynamic later.

Anyhow this competed the circuit for C and now she was completely checked out of the marriage. She was a shell of a person walking through life and I didn’t know what to do for her. I tried everything i could think of. Nothing worked. To boot, the financial problems started to creep back in. Now when I had told C to take some time off, I was thinking 6 months. In hindsight, I should have encouraged her to get right back on the horse immediately but who knew we were headed for the worst economic downturn since the Depression. It would be 2 1/2 years before she would get a job. In the meantime, we had moved from our house in the country back into the city. This was another huge blow to her. And of course with her not having a job, the financial problems crept back in.

Fast forward to April 2011. C had been running the cell phone bill up several months in a row. I proceeded to check the records to find out why. I discovered that she had been texting a former male co-worker of both her and mine quite regularly. I honestly did not think much at first because I knew that they were good friends. But over the course of a couple days it did bother me more. I checked her phone and noticed that there were text messages on there months old but she had erased every single message from him. I confronted her about it. She denied it. She said she would stop talking to him if I wanted. I knew. I wouldn’t say it but I knew. I didn’t want to know but I did. She even did the dramatic, “I’ll delete him from my phone right now!” Well that’s just plain bullshit, because as she had been so quick to point out, he had been the one to initiate the texting the majority of the time. What would deleting him from her phone mean? Then I did the thing that help set us up for failure. I told her to do what she thought was the responsible thing to do, that I wasn’t going to tell her what to do. What I wanted to do was tell her to never have anything to do with him again. I still don’t know why I didn’t.

I moved on although some very minor things would happen to make me more suspicious but I put the blinders on. I didn’t want to believe that who I thought C was, was capable of doing what she did. You know I could sit here and say I was stupid but I really don’t think that’s what it was. I think for me I was in grief, because someone had died. The person that had died was C. Or at least the person I thought C was, is dead. She committed suicide; not literally. It’s strange to type that because as I write this, this is the first time I have realized that.

My feelings and emotions began to come to the point where I could no longer ignore them. In September, I again went to the phone records. I would discover that they never had stopped texting and that the only thing that had changed is that he was using his work number to text her from. I’m not sure which of them thought I was stupider. I confronted her again. She denied anything had ever happened. She never did provide a reasonable or acceptable reason for them texting. See this is where C was stupid, well just one of the ways. She had backed up her phone to my laptop. So even though she had deleted her messages, they are truly never gone. There is always some trace somewhere. I did research on the internet and spent hours and hours trying to figure out how to extract those deleted text messages. And then in early October, I finally did.

Out of hundreds of text messages, I was able to retrieve 3. Now this is where when my wife says she has bad luck and that she doesn’t know what she did to deserve all this bad luck, is about to find out. I truly believe that there is a God. I truly believe that we pay for the bad things we do to other people. I have personally met that bitch named Karma on more than one occasion and now Karma was getting ready to call my wife. Well actually it was me ready to call her. But seriously, out of hundreds or possibly thousands of text messages between the two of them, I found 3 that could be construed as non-innocent behavior. They were not definitive, but I had the unknown on my side and also against me. 

The unfortunate part for me is that I was stuck at work and of course I couldn’t wait to confront her. I mean for weeks and months, she had been telling me that I was crazy and stupid and causing problems in our marriage. Now I had proof, or at least enough for me. I dialed the phone. She answered with no idea of what was about to hit her. I didn’t the times she confronted me about cheating.

It is hard for me to write this even now as the emotions that I felt then are all coming back. I don’t really ever think they went away, I just suppress them in a couple different ways. Does this story have a happy ending. I really can’t tell you. I don’t know how it will end. As I said before, I welcome any comments. When i post Part III, all of this will come together and I hope that my experience may help someone else if just one person. My true hope is that it will help me. Thanks for reading.

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