I can truly say without a shadow of a doubt that I am in love with my wife. I know a lot of people say that they love their spouse or are in love with their spouse but they often confuse other types of feelings or thoughts with being in love. And there is a difference between the statements of, “I love you” and “I am in love with you”. I will always love my wife no matter what happens in our marriage and/or relationship. Being in love with her is a totally different matter and feeling. I have shared so much with C over the last 13 years that she is my best friend, the mother of my children, and a huge part of me and my life.
This post is about an affair. An affair that C had. An affair that was discovered a year ago. An affair that may still be going on today had I not found it out. An affair that has turned my world inside-out over and over again. This post is and the ones to follow are my attempt at therapy to recover from this affair. Believe me when I tell you a little over a year out that I have more questions than I did the day that I found out. The worst part is that I am trapped in my own head, my own thoughts; my own little prison of sorts that I can’t seem to be paroled from.
I met C almost 13 years ago at work. I had been enjoying the single life when she started working there. With me being single, I made it a point to introduce myself because at the time it was my mission to try and hook up with as many women as possible. There she was, short and petite with long blonde almost white hair down to the nicest butt I have ever seen in my life. At first I thought she was cute but I was not head over heels for her. She had a boyfriend so I almost instantly just gave up on the idea. But she just kept showing up and hanging out with my friends and flirting with me. Somehow in one of our conversations I had made a comment regarding her long hair and how it made her look really young. Of course she was only 18 and I was 23 so she was young. The next day, she showed up and cut her hair. I soon began to think this was more than flirting. Our original plan was to be f&%$ buddies. Her relationship with her high school boyfriend was ending and had been long before me. I was the boost over the wall.
Within the first two months we were spending every night together and love had entered the conversation. The rest is as they say, history! Within 6 months living together, 3 years our first child, within another 2 a second, and after 6 years, married. It was not a storybook beginning by any means as I was a bad boyfriend and cheated on her early on. To me it never meant anything, it was sex, to her it meant that she had been betrayed and hurt more than she ever had been by anyone. I was stupid, immature, childish, and wished I could take it all back. Even now knowing what I know, I still wish I could erase it.
The one thing I knew is that when I put that ring on her finger, that I would try and be the best husband I could be. I never had any doubts about the commitment I was making to her and what marriage meant or was supposed to mean. For a guy who never really wanted to be married, I was extremely confident and surprisingly at peace in the days leading up to our vows. I never had one doubt. By this point I believed that God had put us on this planet to be together. I honestly can’t say how I knew, I just did. I thought C felt the same way. That’s what she had told me over and over again. She seemed very happy on our Wedding Day. She was gorgeous. I don’t think I have ever seen a more beautiful bride. She was stunning.
It was about a year into our marriage when things began to change. C became distant and less affectionate. C was never an over the top affectionate person but you could sense a new independence about her. I chalked a lot of it up to some of the financial troubles we were having. I tried to ask her about things and she reassured me that things were fine. But I knew, deep down I knew something somewhere had changed.
My intention as of writing this is to never let C read these or even know that I had written them. Most of what will be in here she knows, some of it she doesn’t; simply because she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. But mostly my reason is to be as absolutely honest and genuine as possible. I know that sometimes when you love and care for someone so much, you don’t lie, you just tell a gentler version of the truth or feelings. That will not be the case as this is not for her, at least right now. This is for me and for others that have gone through something similar in hopes that it will help to begin to heal. I would appreciate feedback throughout these posts. Good or bad, it may be a key to helping me to permanently put this in the past. I hope that I will engage a few regular readers and maybe provide insight into their own situations or lives.
To be continued……..