Part II: The Investigation

As I mentioned in my previous post, I sensed a divide beginning between myself and C. It was mostly little things that i noticed such as that she was less likely to volunteer that she missed me or just little things like that. It was also around this time that I had encouraged her to start having a life and going out with friends more. C and I did seem happy for the most part. We had started to have more financial stability, we were both happy in our jobs, and we moved into a nice house out in the country. Things on the surface seemed very good. But as things often do in a hurry they can take a turn for the worse. 

My father-in-law fell ill in February of 2009. At the time, I am not sure anyone grasped how serious the situation was because it had happened very quickly. Now C was very much a Daddy’s girl and her father was a great man. He had served his country in Vietnam and seen things most of us could not imagine and had come home very troubled. He became an alcoholic and then a recovering alcoholic and had spent the last 10 + years trying to make up for what he had put his family through. To C, he didn’t have to make up for anything. Shortly after High School C and her Mother began to have a very strained relationship in large part due to her Mother’s narcissistic behavior. More on that later. When C’s dad became ill and then ultimately passed away suddenly, I noticed the largest change in C in our entire relationship. She became closed off, emotionally distant and absent. I understood. I too had lost my father 5 years earlier when he was way to young. I did my best to allow C to have her time to grieve but I will refer to this period as her checking out of the marriage. Or at least the beginning.

Then two weeks later, through no fault of her own, she lost her job. And not just a job but something that she had been doing since she graduated high school. Something that she loved and had a passion for. The problem for C like so many others is they identify themselves by what they do and not by who they are. It’s understandable when you pour so much of yourself into something like that. So now C has lost two of the most important things in her life within 1 month. She will probably never admit it but she was depressed. We had decided that she should take some time off before trying to find a job and just concentrate on healing from all of the devastation that had occurred. The problem was she could not concentrate on that because she became a mother again but this time to her 50 + year old mother. She immediately assumed the role vacated by her father and had to take care of her mother. Now her mother is not bed-ridden or does not have any type of mortal illness. Her mother just did not know how to be an adult. She did not know how to write a check. She hadn’t put gas in her own vehicle in I don’t know how long. But again, we will explore the mother dynamic later.

Anyhow this competed the circuit for C and now she was completely checked out of the marriage. She was a shell of a person walking through life and I didn’t know what to do for her. I tried everything i could think of. Nothing worked. To boot, the financial problems started to creep back in. Now when I had told C to take some time off, I was thinking 6 months. In hindsight, I should have encouraged her to get right back on the horse immediately but who knew we were headed for the worst economic downturn since the Depression. It would be 2 1/2 years before she would get a job. In the meantime, we had moved from our house in the country back into the city. This was another huge blow to her. And of course with her not having a job, the financial problems crept back in.

Fast forward to April 2011. C had been running the cell phone bill up several months in a row. I proceeded to check the records to find out why. I discovered that she had been texting a former male co-worker of both her and mine quite regularly. I honestly did not think much at first because I knew that they were good friends. But over the course of a couple days it did bother me more. I checked her phone and noticed that there were text messages on there months old but she had erased every single message from him. I confronted her about it. She denied it. She said she would stop talking to him if I wanted. I knew. I wouldn’t say it but I knew. I didn’t want to know but I did. She even did the dramatic, “I’ll delete him from my phone right now!” Well that’s just plain bullshit, because as she had been so quick to point out, he had been the one to initiate the texting the majority of the time. What would deleting him from her phone mean? Then I did the thing that help set us up for failure. I told her to do what she thought was the responsible thing to do, that I wasn’t going to tell her what to do. What I wanted to do was tell her to never have anything to do with him again. I still don’t know why I didn’t.

I moved on although some very minor things would happen to make me more suspicious but I put the blinders on. I didn’t want to believe that who I thought C was, was capable of doing what she did. You know I could sit here and say I was stupid but I really don’t think that’s what it was. I think for me I was in grief, because someone had died. The person that had died was C. Or at least the person I thought C was, is dead. She committed suicide; not literally. It’s strange to type that because as I write this, this is the first time I have realized that.

My feelings and emotions began to come to the point where I could no longer ignore them. In September, I again went to the phone records. I would discover that they never had stopped texting and that the only thing that had changed is that he was using his work number to text her from. I’m not sure which of them thought I was stupider. I confronted her again. She denied anything had ever happened. She never did provide a reasonable or acceptable reason for them texting. See this is where C was stupid, well just one of the ways. She had backed up her phone to my laptop. So even though she had deleted her messages, they are truly never gone. There is always some trace somewhere. I did research on the internet and spent hours and hours trying to figure out how to extract those deleted text messages. And then in early October, I finally did.

Out of hundreds of text messages, I was able to retrieve 3. Now this is where when my wife says she has bad luck and that she doesn’t know what she did to deserve all this bad luck, is about to find out. I truly believe that there is a God. I truly believe that we pay for the bad things we do to other people. I have personally met that bitch named Karma on more than one occasion and now Karma was getting ready to call my wife. Well actually it was me ready to call her. But seriously, out of hundreds or possibly thousands of text messages between the two of them, I found 3 that could be construed as non-innocent behavior. They were not definitive, but I had the unknown on my side and also against me. 

The unfortunate part for me is that I was stuck at work and of course I couldn’t wait to confront her. I mean for weeks and months, she had been telling me that I was crazy and stupid and causing problems in our marriage. Now I had proof, or at least enough for me. I dialed the phone. She answered with no idea of what was about to hit her. I didn’t the times she confronted me about cheating.

It is hard for me to write this even now as the emotions that I felt then are all coming back. I don’t really ever think they went away, I just suppress them in a couple different ways. Does this story have a happy ending. I really can’t tell you. I don’t know how it will end. As I said before, I welcome any comments. When i post Part III, all of this will come together and I hope that my experience may help someone else if just one person. My true hope is that it will help me. Thanks for reading.

  1. I wish I had something to say. Hindsight is 20/20, but you did the best you knew how at the time. I need part III to understand where you are at now.

    • Thanks for the comment. The posts did somewhat help with my healing process. There are more coming.

  2. State of Grace said:

    Well, you have me gripping the edge of my seat, I think I should visit my followers more often…

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