Telling my story has brought me peace. Or at least as close to peace as I think that I will be with my wife’s affair. I would liken it to 9/11. We as Americans were going along in life so secure in our freedom and thoughts of this can’t happen to us, that we became complacent. We took for granted the freedom that we have been given from the blood of those that fought terrible wars to provide us with the lives we live. I too had become somewhat complacent in my marriage with C. Now I don’t want anyone to think that I am making light of the tragedy of 9/11 by comparing it to an affair but for me, my whole world changed the day I found out.
Ironically as I mentioned before the last 2 1/2 weeks have been great. C seems to be a little more of old-self each day. She is making an effort to do a lot of the things that she has failed to do in the last 4 years. I know that I will never fully get that person back. I am a realist. I accept that this may be temporary and she will more than likely revert back to old ways. Unlike the past though, I am taking it all in for all it’s worth. I am not questioning it or fearing it will end.
Love and marriage are hard. There are the internal conflicts within your relationship and the external conflicts pile on with no remorse almost simultaneously. Marriage is the underdog. I read a lot of “How to Have a Strong Marriage” and “How to Make Him/Her Happy” stories so I will tell you what I do for my wife to show and to prove how much I love her:
1. I tell her almost daily that she is beautiful and sexy. She is, why not tell her. It’s not forced or planned and may come at strange times like when she is sitting in her pjs eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I tell her she is more beautiful now than the day I met her and gets sexier by the day. Of course I get the, “yeah right” and other comments pointing out what she considers to be flaws, but i still tell her. I need to tell her even if she only smiles inside.
2. Tell and show you find each other attractive. I know that I am certainly not at my start of relationship fighting weight. I have made comments on my own that I need to work out or I’m getting fat. (I’m probably 25 lbs. heavier than when we first met) She makes comments about herself. I make it a point to look at her anytime she walks in the room, be it fully clothed or completely butt ass neked! So much so that if I don’t look, she notices. You ever watch the movies where there is the hot mid 40’s wife and the husband that works too much and doesn’t pay attention to her. It always seems to be that he is in bed reading as she is sitting in front of the mirror in some sexy outfit putting on lotion and he is not even looking at her. Next thing you know, she is banging the tennis instructor or the pool boy. Yeah that really happens in life. Pay attention to your mate or someone else will. And ladies, it goes both ways. My wife will usually smack me on the ass or something when we are cooking dinner or her way of telling me I look nice is asking me, “Who are you all dressed up for?”. Tonight before work, she actually came into the bathroom twice as I was showering opening the door and talking to me both times about absolutely nothing. and both times I caught her eyes moving down to my penis. I even made a comment to her after I got out and she just smiled affirming what I already knew. It made me feel good, it made me feel great. Do it for each other!
3. Oral sex cannot stop after the vows. You know there is the old joke about why the bride is smiling as she walks down the aisle. It goes both ways. I am going to use a basketball analogy; don’t forget what brung you to the dance! Guys stop eating pussy. Girls stop sucking cock. I think we get lazy and complacent and think we don’t have to do all the things that we did almost daily when we first got together. I’ve heard men say that they can’t do it because it hurts their necks or women say they are too tired. Seriously you have got to do the things you did to land that person in the first place. I’ll be honest with you. I love to perform oral sex on my wife. I don’t do it nearly as much as I should. I think I have made an effort to do it more. As far as my wife goes, I think I make her feel as though I don’t enjoy her giving me head because I usually after 5 or 10 minutes in want to have sex. For her she thinks that I am not enjoying it and can’t get off. For me I feel selfish if she is not getting off. To be honest, you have to have a few times every now and then where one person gets pleasured and then that is it. It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay ladies to sit back and have your man go down on you and pop off a couple orgasms and then lie back and go to sleep. Same for men just as long as it is not a regular thing. I love doing that for my wife.
4. Balance the sex life. It doesn’t have to be two or three times a day, 30 minutes of foreplay, dressed in lingerie, kama sutra type sex. What it needs to be is what you as a couple decide that you want and what you need. If it’s twice a week with one being just a “hey, let’s both get off and go to bed” to the all-out deal. Don’t get me wrong, I would have sex with my wife three times a day if I could but we simply are not able to do that. Between jobs and kids and everything else we deal with, there just isn’t time or sometimes the energy. But I talked with her. She knows what I want, I know what she wants. We’ll meet in the middle and do our best to make sure each other is happy in that department.
5. This one is mostly for the men. Don’t try and fix everything. I will admit until about a month ago that every time my wife came to me about a problem or bitched about work, I told her what I think she should do to solve it. And then one day it hit me. She doesn’t always want my opinion, she doesn’t always want me to fix it or come up with a solution; she wants me to listen. She wants to vent and say what she can’t say to anyone else without having to worry about it coming back to bite her in the ass. So, I listen to her and if she asks what I think or what she should do, I will give her my opinion. Other than that, I shut the hell up.
6. Know your partner. My wife loves to crawl into her “nook” when we get in bed. Her nook is under my left arm with her head on my chest. Now there are two things that she loves when she is in her nook. She likes to have her arm lightly caressed and/or she likes her booty rubbed. Now this is a win-win for me because she has the most incredible ass I have ever seen and I am a butt guy so me rubbing her booty is just as equal a treat for me as it is her. It’s about knowing her and what makes her happy and that is something that is so simple. Hell, I’ll still be rubbing her booty or her arm two hours after she has fallen asleep. It is almost as natural as breathing for me. Just know where to touch him or her that is not only a sexual thing but just a thing that is about making them happy.
7. Let him/her know you have their backs. My kids will do what kids do and get mouthy and scream and yell and say “no” like it is the only word that they know. When they do these things to my wife, look out, she doesn’t have to say anything to them because I am usually right there telling them to apologize and to respect their mother. She doesn’t say so, but I think she likes that I show that I expect our kids or anyone else for that matter to treat her with respect. She did the same for me just last night. She worked all weekend and I was off so I had my two kids, and on Friday my son had a friend spend the night and on Saturday, my daughter had her friend spend the night. I think I would have rather worked! My kids are lazy and after doing everything for them and their friends all weekend, I just wanted to relax Sunday night. Well my wife got home and I made dinner. After dinner, I wanted to just sit on the couch and watch T.V. with my wife. I knew she was tired so I tried taking care of everything. After the second time that a child had spilled a drink all over the coffee table and on the floor, my wife read them the riot act. And then she said, “I am tired of all your father does for you guys and then he can’t even sit down and relax.” It really did make me feel good to know that my wife recognized that I am a good father and that even on my weekends off, that I am not really off. Small thing seemed so big to me.
8. There is no such thing as your responsibility, it’s our responsibility. Now I work 12 hour shifts so every other week is my long week where I will work 60 hours in one week and on my short week I work 24 hours. My wife assumes that on my long week, that I should not have to do any work around the house. She would make a comment such as I’ll do the dishes in the morning as I would start to do them. I would say, why should you have to them, and she would say because you are on your long week. So what! Just because I work 36 more hours this week than in my short week doesn’t mean my responsibilities at home cease. The bigger point is that it’s not just her job anyway. Sorry, I don’t want a relationship where the woman stays home and cleans all day and has my supper waiting for me on the table when I get home. Now if that is what made her happy, then by all means, but that is not who my wife is. She does her share and on the weeks where she doesn’t feel like it, I will do it. It is our responsibility together.
To be continued……