Wow, what a difference that just a few weeks makes! C and I were really starting to move forward. My blogs were making feel better even though seeing the words made me not only relive the events all over again, but begin to have more questions. I had suppressed these questions because I simply do not want to continue to rehash everything. If it is over and in the past and will never happen again, I have to let it go.
On Wednesday morning, I came home to start my two days off. It is my long week at work so my days off will fly by even faster. I wasn’t in a good mood for whatever reason when I walked through the door but seeing the house in such a disarray after spending my weekend off cleaning just totally set me off. I didn’t say anything at first and to be honest I do not even know what really set me off. C made a comment and I made a comment and it was on. Next thing I know, I was doing what I had been trying so hard to avoid; I brought up the affair.
I began asking the questions that I had either thought of on my own or by reading some poor soul’s blog who has found themselves in the same waters as me. Her usual response was that I was refusing to let us be happy by drudging up the past when there was nothing more to hear. My son was sick and home from school and despite the fact I had been up all night, I had some errands to run thus putting a premature end to the argument. I came home and went to the back room and fell asleep watching T.V. but not before sending her a text even though she was just in the living room telling her I was sorry for my part in the fight. She replied me too.
I awoke to find her standing over me telling me she was leaving for her doctor appointment. I wanted to awake to her kissing or holding me or initiating wild make-up sex. When she returned from her appointment, she barely had enough time to get ready to go to work so I was upset for two reasons: (1) my first of two days off was shot in a week where I am either gone or sleeping a lot thus one day I didn’t get to spend time with her and (2) the argument wasn’t settled, we didn’t talk.
When she got off of work at midnight, I was in the backroom watching T.V. again. She changed into her P.J.s and kind of just messed around the house a little. I was curious as to whether she would just go into our bedroom or make her way back to me. Rather than give her the opportunity, I asked her to come talk to me.
In my first post, I mentioned that these blogs were for me. My therapy, my feelings. I had not intended to share them with her. I grabbed the laptop and I read several blogs from other writers that accurately described some of what I felt regarding her affair and why I had such a hard time moving on. She listened quietly but intently and didn’t say a word. And then I said, “these next few may sound more familiar”. I began reading my first blog. She listened again quietly and intently and soaked in the all my words, feelings, and emotions. Only once did she actually speak up and get mad that I had referred to part of her affair as emotional. She said that she never had any feelings or emotions for him. Otherwise she was completely silent.
Her face spoke volumes. I could see tears begin to well up in her eyes. Hell, I was starting to tear up reading the words that described the horrible events all over to the person I loved that had hurt me more than anyone. It was a powerful moment in our relationship. These were never meant for her.
At the end of my last blog, there was silence. When she did finally speak, the first thing was that she was upset that I had put this on the internet. I informed her that it was all anonymous; that the name of the blog was an inside joke and that I did not use my real name. After her initial comment which I believe had to be her perceived embarrassment to being exposed as a cheater thinking someone had magically decrypted our identities. I quelled her fears and then the conversation began; the conversation about the pain I had been living with for 14 months. The pain that she caused. The pain that seemingly does not get better because as I had come to figure out, the secret to me not being able to move forward, the one thing that she had not yet to convince me of was…..am I who she wants?
It wasn’t about details of the cheating or knowing that she lied or that she had sex with someone. It was wanting her to make me absolute certain that I was not her second choice. I wanted to know to know that had I not uncovered the affair, that said affair would have ended on it’s own. That had I not found her out, that there was not some master plan to leave their spouses and start a new non-secret life together. I wanted…no I needed to know that I was her first choice, that I was the love of her life and that there was absolutely no doubt in her mind or heart that she was with the person she wanted to be with. I have actually asked this question a hundred times and have always received the same answer but I needed her to show me.
She did her best to reassure me with words and I realize that the actions I seek from her will take weeks and months and maybe years. This was a start, a very good start. We went to bed and didn’t have great make-up sex but rather had great make-up cuddling. We spent what seemed like hours just touching each other and this carried into the morning and also into the day. See sometimes sex is just sex. But when there is true emotion behind being able to touch each other in such a loving way that is not sexual but makes you feel so secure in your love, that you are reminded of why you fell in love with that person all over again.
I am not recovered. She is not recovered. We are recovering together. I can’t keep living in the past and I can’t keep forcing her to live there either. I have to look forward. I am trying. It is hard. I am human. I am filled with feelings good or bad. I just need to sort those feelings out and learn to deal with them better. I heard a saying the other day and I don’t remember it word for word so I’ll do my best. Loving someone means giving them everything you have and trusting them not to destroy it. So, knowing that, knowing the awesome power you hold over you partner, would you want to destroy them?