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Monthly Archives: December 2012

Wow, what a difference that just a few weeks makes! C and I were really starting to move forward. My blogs were making feel better even though seeing the words made me not only relive the events all over again, but begin to have more questions. I had suppressed these questions because I simply do not want to continue to rehash everything. If it is over and in the past and will never happen again, I have to let it go.

On Wednesday morning, I came home to start my two days off. It is my long week at work so my days off will fly by even faster. I wasn’t in a good mood for whatever reason when I walked through the door but seeing the house in such a disarray after spending my weekend off cleaning just totally set me off. I didn’t say anything at first and to be honest I do not even know what really set me off. C made a comment and I made a comment and it was on. Next thing I know, I was doing what I had been trying so hard to avoid; I brought up the affair.

I began asking the questions that I had either thought of on my own or by reading some poor soul’s blog who has found themselves in the same waters as me. Her usual response was that I was refusing to let us be happy by drudging up the past when there was nothing more to hear. My son was sick and home from school and despite the fact I had been up all night, I had some errands to run thus putting a premature end to the argument. I came home and went to the back room and fell asleep watching T.V. but not before sending her a text even though she was just in the living room telling her I was sorry for my part in the fight. She replied me too.

I awoke to find her standing over me telling me she was leaving for her doctor appointment. I wanted to awake to her kissing or holding me or initiating wild make-up sex. When she returned from her appointment, she barely had enough time to get ready to go to work so I was upset for two reasons: (1) my first of two days off was shot in a week where I am either gone or sleeping a lot thus one day I didn’t get to spend time with her and (2) the argument wasn’t settled, we didn’t talk.

When she got off of work at midnight, I was in the backroom watching T.V. again. She changed into her P.J.s and kind of just messed around the house a little. I was curious as to whether she would just go into our bedroom or make her way back to me. Rather than give her the opportunity, I asked her to come talk to me.

In my first post, I mentioned that these blogs were for me. My therapy, my feelings. I had not intended to share them with her. I grabbed the laptop and I read several blogs from other writers that accurately described some of what I felt regarding her affair and why I had such a hard time moving on. She listened quietly but intently and didn’t say a word. And then I said, “these next few may sound more familiar”. I began reading my first blog. She listened again quietly and intently and soaked in the all my words, feelings, and emotions. Only once did she actually speak up and get mad that I had referred to part of her affair as emotional. She said that she never had any feelings or emotions for him. Otherwise she was completely silent.

Her face spoke volumes. I could see tears begin to well up in her eyes. Hell, I was starting to tear up reading the words that described the horrible events all over to the person I loved that had hurt me more than anyone. It was a powerful moment in our relationship. These were never meant for her.

At the end of my last blog, there was silence. When she did finally speak, the first thing was that she was upset that I had put this on the internet. I informed her that it was all anonymous; that the name of the blog was an inside joke and that I did not use my real name. After her initial comment which I believe had to be her perceived embarrassment to being exposed as a cheater thinking someone had magically decrypted our identities. I quelled her fears and then the conversation began; the conversation about the pain I had been living with for 14 months. The pain that she caused. The pain that seemingly does not get better because as I had come to figure out, the secret to me not being able to move forward, the one thing that she had not yet to convince me of was…..am I who she wants?

It wasn’t about details of the cheating or knowing that she lied or that she had sex with someone. It was wanting her to make me absolute certain that I was not her second choice. I wanted to know to know that had I not uncovered the affair, that said affair would have ended on it’s own. That had I not found her out, that there was not some master plan to leave their spouses and start a new non-secret life together. I wanted…no I needed to know that I was her first choice, that I was the love of her life and that there was absolutely no doubt in her mind or heart that she was with the person she wanted to be with. I have actually asked this question a hundred times and have always received the same answer but I needed her to show me.

She did her best to reassure me with words and I realize that the actions I seek from her will take weeks and months and maybe years. This was a start, a very good start. We went to bed and didn’t have great make-up sex but rather had great make-up cuddling. We spent what seemed like hours just touching each other and this carried into the morning and also into the day. See sometimes sex is just sex. But when there is true emotion behind being able to touch each other in such a loving way that is not sexual but makes you feel so secure in your love, that you are reminded of why you fell in love with that person all over again.

I am not recovered. She is not recovered. We are recovering together. I can’t keep living in the past and I can’t keep forcing her to live there either. I have to look forward. I am trying. It is hard. I am human. I am filled with feelings good or bad. I just need to sort those feelings out and learn to deal with them better. I heard a saying the other day and I don’t remember it word for word so I’ll do my best. Loving someone means giving them everything you have and trusting them not to destroy it. So, knowing that, knowing the awesome power you hold over you partner, would you want to destroy them?

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Why do affairs happen? Forget all the justifications for affairs. What I am talking about is why do affairs seem so exciting and make a person forget all about what they are risking. The husband or wife, the kids, the house, sometimes their jobs and families. What would cause a person to go completely numb to the feelings of those they made commitments to and to lose all ability of cognitive function and reasoning. 

Marriages/relationships are messy. They are a lot of work. It is a full-time job with no days off or vacations. When you are married to someone, you see them at their very worst. It’s simple, an affair is like when you first start dating someone except with baggage. Remember how great it was to see that person for a couple of hours and then go home. When you are married you are around that person 24/7. 

What the affair partner doesn’t see that keeps the passion burning is this: 

You don’t see that person wearing PJs all day with the hair messed up. They don’t see that person’s daily mood swings. See them sick and puking. See them sleeping and snoring with bad breath. See them or smell them farting and pooping. Sorry girls but you do fart and your shit does stink. I’m pretty sure my wife and daughter put me to shame. But I digress.

More importantly, just like any new relationships, in an affair the mistakes have not been made. I liken any relationship to a mountain. At first it is solid. Then A does something to B and a fight happens. B sees A a little differently. This cycle continues on both ends and as each of these incidents of A seeing B and B seeing A differently happens, a little piece of the mountain gets chipped away. Eventually and I’m hoping that things just have to be very bad for this to happen, you don’t see any remnants of the person you started dating. The mountain is gone and thus so is the relationship.

Here is the strange thing. Look at the person that your partner had an affair with. Do they remind you of anyone. Nine times out of ten, the person your partner has chosen to cheat you with is, wait for it, wait for it……you at the beginning of your relationship. Yup, strange but true! They don’t want someone else; they want to put all the chips on the mountain and make it whole again. They want to erase all the mistakes. They want you to do whatever it is you did at the beginning of the relationship to make them fall in love with you in the first place.

Here’s the thing. You cannot no matter how hard you try, erase all of the bad shit you have done to each other. What you can do is communicate, be honest, and love the person you have. Move forward and instead of dwelling on the bad, fondly remember the good. Seriously, there has to be more good than bad or you couldn’t have got to this point.

I guess all my rambling leads me back to this. The grass is not greener on the other side. In fact it is brown, dead brown. The grass you have on this side is green, it’s just covered with leaves. Work with your partner to remove those leaves and rediscover each other. If you truly are in love with that person, you will see them for who they are and not what they have done. After all, isn’t that what true love is?

Thoughts?