Why do affairs happen? Forget all the justifications for affairs. What I am talking about is why do affairs seem so exciting and make a person forget all about what they are risking. The husband or wife, the kids, the house, sometimes their jobs and families. What would cause a person to go completely numb to the feelings of those they made commitments to and to lose all ability of cognitive function and reasoning.
Marriages/relationships are messy. They are a lot of work. It is a full-time job with no days off or vacations. When you are married to someone, you see them at their very worst. It’s simple, an affair is like when you first start dating someone except with baggage. Remember how great it was to see that person for a couple of hours and then go home. When you are married you are around that person 24/7.
What the affair partner doesn’t see that keeps the passion burning is this:
You don’t see that person wearing PJs all day with the hair messed up. They don’t see that person’s daily mood swings. See them sick and puking. See them sleeping and snoring with bad breath. See them or smell them farting and pooping. Sorry girls but you do fart and your shit does stink. I’m pretty sure my wife and daughter put me to shame. But I digress.
More importantly, just like any new relationships, in an affair the mistakes have not been made. I liken any relationship to a mountain. At first it is solid. Then A does something to B and a fight happens. B sees A a little differently. This cycle continues on both ends and as each of these incidents of A seeing B and B seeing A differently happens, a little piece of the mountain gets chipped away. Eventually and I’m hoping that things just have to be very bad for this to happen, you don’t see any remnants of the person you started dating. The mountain is gone and thus so is the relationship.
Here is the strange thing. Look at the person that your partner had an affair with. Do they remind you of anyone. Nine times out of ten, the person your partner has chosen to cheat you with is, wait for it, wait for it……you at the beginning of your relationship. Yup, strange but true! They don’t want someone else; they want to put all the chips on the mountain and make it whole again. They want to erase all the mistakes. They want you to do whatever it is you did at the beginning of the relationship to make them fall in love with you in the first place.
Here’s the thing. You cannot no matter how hard you try, erase all of the bad shit you have done to each other. What you can do is communicate, be honest, and love the person you have. Move forward and instead of dwelling on the bad, fondly remember the good. Seriously, there has to be more good than bad or you couldn’t have got to this point.
I guess all my rambling leads me back to this. The grass is not greener on the other side. In fact it is brown, dead brown. The grass you have on this side is green, it’s just covered with leaves. Work with your partner to remove those leaves and rediscover each other. If you truly are in love with that person, you will see them for who they are and not what they have done. After all, isn’t that what true love is?